As I sit here writing, I’m having lunch for one, finding peace aside the river. More often now the time I seek is alone, no external noise or distraction taking me away from myself, no company required. I never saw myself spending moments like this; pleasure found in enjoying my own presence. Life continues to show me that things do constantly change, even if we think they may not. It’s funny really, as I’ve always clung on to an outcome, false security sought in the ideal of things being a certain way; now I find myself able to flow just like the river at times, no longer in need of conclusion. 
Critical self-talk has been regular for me throughout life, when not completing what I’d set out to start or wading through what I planned to do quick enough. Focused on the finish line I never appreciated the ride; I didn’t want to! I wanted a busy mind so as not to think about everything else, all those fears sat just below the surface, I didn’t want to give them space to take over; endless control seemed smart! However, by ignoring the anxieties, they were doing just that, taking over! By seeing them and exploring the challenging pathway, it’s what led me to greater understanding. Now I can see just how much I gain as I wander. The voyage is not where I end up but, in the steps taken, so much insight sat within each experience yet so often missed in the longing. The ending is not too important, more so I see that adventures finish where needed and space available for the next one to begin. We can’t all follow the same route for it would get congested. 
I’ve never been a stick to the track kind of girl, even when seeming to need control of everything, I see that the outcome would never have panned out the way it may have set to look on paper and this all part of it. Just like the weather, we change, circumstance alters frequently and each day I’m more accepting of this natural unfolding. Exploring life in a more mindful fashion I find myself exploring the adventure, the new constant a path of discovery, not the need for control. Not only to the external things in front of my eyes either but also with what lies within myself. The more I notice; the more I uncover; the more I heal and then the more I notice again. The loop continues and the emotions flow with it. Currently I sit within a sea of tears. It’s mid-July - a new moon looming. I’m a Cancerian so it’s no surprise the water flows freely. It’s an ongoing process; a journey for sure but the acceptance creates freedom. 
I have started about 10 blogs this week, none of which are finished but I now see that’s ok. I released something I had to say, inspiration flowed for a while and then it stopped again. Just like my internal state of being, I glow for a moment like the sun and before I know it a heavy downpour again on its way. The rain falling, like the tears on my cheeks now dripping on to the page in front of me. Once more it settles for a while and then a thunderstorm takes hold but this time, I stop, I watch and catch a moment of calm amidst this storm and it’s here I find growth and meaning. 
No matter how much we practice, life always comes along. At times this can be turbulent but try not to judge it, if only for a second watch it. That’s where the rainbow sits. The lesson and healing in the pause, the subtle crossover often missed. 
Taking myself out for lunch was quite a treat, it wasn’t that I had no one to accompany me but more so that I didn’t want any company and I loved being able to catch sight of those rainbows. I still enjoy time spent with others, but I no longer need company. Less diversions are present, fewer hours spent watching Netflix, time once spent in endless interactions lost in something outside of myself now enjoyed in the simplicity of being by myself. 
I noticed so much beside the river, I had time to be curious; even with the frustration of falling back into not achieving enough. But in waiting and watching I begin to see that so much is uncovered in just this. I’ve spent so much time looking for connection that I had lost the basic connection with myself. 
So now when I don’t know what to do or where to begin, I just let it all go, to let it all in. 
Each day, I’m simply doing the best I can; when I stop chasing, I now start receiving what’s already here. 
It is going to be alright you know; it may not feel like it, but it will. Things come along not only to teach us where we’ve come from but to guide us to where we are going. Pay attention to where life leads you. Find meaning in each step. The rain can still be beautiful. We come through storms, often wiser than before. Learn from it all and when the sun comes again you can smile and see that you are here, you are strong, and you have already got through everything that’s already been thrown at you. 
Here you come! 
Tagged as: mindfulness, Solitude
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