Burnout: Where Exactly Was It That I Lost Who I Truly Was?
Posted on 8th September 2024 at 11:52
I burnt out at work, working with no lunch break day after day, cramming in as much work as I could into my days with not a moment to spare. As soon as I left the office, off to collect the kids and mum role would kick in, through till bedtime I would fill every moment with something to take myself away from my fearful thoughts. I never made any time for myself and I would flop in a heap with exhaustion at the end of the day, before it began again.
Looking back on it now, I see that I’d allowed it all to happen, but I had to learn from the struggle. I didn’t want a break; I didn’t want to stop and have time to be with my thoughts. I had waited on my family because I’d chosen to do so. I’d exhausted myself for far too long as I thought that’s what I should do.
My passion and soul had been suppressed but I knew there was a deep inner strength, something bigger than the fear to help me release it all again, but I pushed it down, feeling like it was easier to maintain my anxious habits rather than face change. Like anything, I assumed the fault lay with me. Even as I write this, the old voice of judgement arises once more: I should be spending time with the children … I haven’t got time to take a break … There is no time! … Am I selfish for prioritising me? … I feel I’m letting others down.
I was permanently trying to do and control EVERYTHING: every little detail at work, at home, preplanning. I tell you; this is a draining, tiring place to be. Control is a common coping mechanism when suffering and that was certainly the case for me. My lack of sleep was also beginning to be a real problem (despite feeling constantly exhausted, I just couldn’t switch off).
I was at breaking point, I did burnout. Anxiety took over my life, but a way out formed, and it can for you too.
Read more on my website, or in my book ‘Desperate to be Loved’
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